Together at a Distance

Together at a Distance

In times of difficulty we often distance ourselves emotionally from others. Even from those who otherwise offer support and comfort. Often, we hope to protect ourselves, not be a bother or ease the burden of others by avoiding big issues. Usually, this happens on our terms and by personal choice.

As we are now being asked to keep our “Social Distance,” I want you to know you are not alone. We are together in this experience. Maintaining physical space is not just protective but can also be a show of affection for those around you. You can call it “self-care,” or just “alone time” but it is healthy, and necessary, right now. Still, physical distancing doesn’t mean we can’t be emotionally connected.

As many of us are feeling isolated and worried, here are a few helpful hints for dealing with uncertainty and anxiety…

1) These feelings are common – Many are feeling the same way and knowing you share these feelings helps normalize the experience.

2) Emotions are within your control – Lean in, accept them and allow them some space to pass.

3) Anxiety can be healthy – I believe anxiety is a good instinct. The mind and body are telling you to pay attention, identify stressors and find strategies that help.

4) Limit media and screen time – Even trusted sources might need to be buffered. Too much indulgence in negative stories may saturate or contribute to feeling overwhelmed.

5) Maintain routine – Structure helps settle us and gives us both a sense of purpose and control.

6) Focus on the moment – Attend fully to your feelings, sensations and environment. Often this attention to detail can center and calm us.

7) Think of the future – This too shall pass. Setting goals and imagining what may be (positively) can help to diffuse our current sense of being unsettled.

8) Hold close to others – Make intentional effort to connect (virtually for now) to those who you care for and who care for you.

9) Be kind – To others and to yourself. Take personal time when needed, share with others, and choose compassion. Empathy and understanding for others grounds us in the best of ourselves.

With wishes for good health and peace of mind.

Peter

Submitted by:

Peter Willig, LMFT, FT

Family Life Design

(786) 348-8360 (c)

Familylifedesign1@gmail.com

Peter Willig is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Fellow in Thanatology. In addition to working with private clients/families, he presents both locally and nationally on issues of grief, family/organizational systems and mental health. He also serves on committee and was past Board Chair for the National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC).

Talking to Children About Loss or Crisis

 Talking To Children about Loss or Crisis

It is estimated that 1 in 14 children in the U.S. (7.0%) will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18.  By the age of 25, the number with loss more than doubles. In Florida, 1 in 14 school aged children will experience the death of a parent or sibling. †

 Parents and caregivers often need support themselves when caring for children after a loss.  In responding to a loss or crisis, whether it’s a death, natural disaster, violence, or trauma children and their families can benefit from the following information as a guide for conversation, and support, during times of need.

Reflect: Begin with You – Any effort to assist your child(ren) should begin with self-reflection and support for yourself.  Children are sensitive to the stress felt by adults and may withhold their needs so as to not burden others. 

Assess: What does your child know? - Asking your child what they already know allows you to be grounded in what information is really needed.  Asking also builds trust that their opinions are important to you, even where you disagree, or need to offer clarification.   

Listen: Actively & Carefully – Listen for the thoughts, needs and feelings behind what is shared.  As your child explains, listen for misinformation, misconceptions, and any underlying fears or concerns. 

Talk: Honestly & Simply - Children benefit from honest, clear, and age-appropriate information.  Withholding information can contribute to their natural anxieties and may give the impression that things are too horrible to discuss. Giving children a simple vocabulary for the expression of feelings and events helps with their sharing.

o   “Something very sad/bad has happened…”

o   “We don’t have all the answers yet, but I’ll let you know”

o   “We can talk more later…”

o   “I am sorry/sad also…”

o   “Do you have questions?”

This will be a continuing conversation.  It will not, and does not, need to occur in one sitting. 

Model: Be an example – Sharing your feelings, and being honest about your emotions, is a good example to children. Let them know it is OK to feel….i.e., crying often helps us to feel better.  Children benefit from seeing how appropriate coping looks. Hiding your feelings may give the impression that we don’t talk about things that are difficult.  If you are having trouble managing your emotions, find support for yourself.  

Stay Open: Questions may be repeated – Children will often repeat questions about the death in an effort to gain understanding. Their comprehension may be limited by their developmental level.  They may even exhibit a morbid curiosity about the details. Keep in mind that their curiosity is not intended to be hurtful or annoying. Be prepared to respond more than once, and with consistency, to the same questions. Unfortunately, we can’t guarantee everything will be OK all the time.  After a loss or a crisis, many children and adults need understanding and reassurance that they will be safe.  

You may not have all the answers, especially to the “big” questions that children ask like “why.”  Children ask questions we can’t possibly have the answers for…i.e., “Is he in heaven? Am I still a sister”?  Often, the best response is “What do you think”?  This response opens the door to the conversation and an insight to their concerns and needs.

Safeguard: Limit exposure to the media – Continued or repeated stories/images about a crisis event can be overwhelming to children. Younger children may believe that repeated images and news stories are separate events and that dangers have not passed. Exposure to the media can also contribute to your stress and will be perceived by those around you. 

Focus on what you can control - taking care of our health, safety plans, talking about feelings, helping others. This may be an opportunity to discuss established plans for safety and family/community response. 

Be Watchful: Common Responses – It is common for children to feel confusion, anxiety, and have difficulty with attention or concentration after a loss or crisis event. Some may be agitated, irritable, defensive or withdrawn.  Separation anxiety may occur and occasionally a child may exhibit regressive behavior like thumb sucking or bed-wetting.  It’s common for children to feel anxious about what has happened and how it will impact their lives. If the child had functioned well before the crisis, it is expected that they return to their previous behaviors within a few weeks. 

 Adjust: Patience, patience, patience – Be patient with those around you, and with yourself.  Feelings and behaviors can change over time. Focus on the adjustment to life after the event. It is an ongoing and long term experience.

Find Support: Connect with Others – Often there are resources and others who are also making effort to provide assistance following a crisis. Working together allows for shared energy and a sense of strength that can help during the stress of crisis response. Be open to assistance and engage with family, friends, and professionals where needed.

Submitted by:

Peter Willig, LMFT, FT

Family Life Design

(786) 348-8360

Familylifedesign1@gmail.com

 Peter Willig is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with specialty in Thanatology (Grief & Bereavement). He began his career in mental health working at the Miami Children’s Hospital Department of Psychiatry and was COO and Clinical Director for the Children’s Bereavement Center.  He is currently in private practice with Family Life Design and also provides professional education and training for local providers and national organizations.  He additionally serves on the Board of Directors for the National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC).

† - Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model (CBEM) – www.judishouse.org/CBEM